If you’ve ever ventured outside of the US, you would know exactly what I’m talking about. While the western world never stops going, the rest of the world seems to have never started moving. The comparison is like The Tortoise and the Hare. It’s hard to do anything because the small things that we do don’t seem sufficient. Not constantly going, like we’re used to, rapidly becomes overwhelming. I know that really doesn’t make sense, but having hours a day on our hands has really begun to get to us. This place and the oppression that exists here rapidly begin to get to you, and you wonder why you’re still here.
Are we exactly where God wants us, or is there something more? Are we missing something? These are the questions that flood my mind. I don’t doubt that I’m supposed to be in Swaziland, but whether or not I’m supposed to be in this particular place for much longer has become a big question. My spirit is restless with this place. I feel as though something is missing here. I haven’t really discerned whether that’s God calling us to a different location, or if that’s just me wanting to do more. I really don’t even know what more means, but I know that it exists. There’s more of His Spirit; more of walking in Him than what we’re doing here. We learned what it meant to follow Christ, to walk in the will of the Father and the power of the Spirit, and it doesn’t seem like there’s much of that going on here. I guess I have to ask myself what I’ve done to change that, but it feels like we’re contained in what we’ve been doing and there isn’t much else to do.
I know that God is working through all this time. I also know that God brought me on this trip more for what He wanted to do in me than what was going to happen in Swaziland. We can’t change a country in 6 months, and after a couple years and a few groups that come through here, the people will probably have forgotten our names and faces, but I will never forget what God did in me over these 8 months.
I know that this blog seems kind of pointless, but people wanted to know what we’ve been doing in Swaziland, and the answer is, God has been doing more in us than we’ve done or ever could do. When I get back home, I won’t be able to show that in pictures, but I know that my life will be the picture I can show. Understand that I’m not questioning whether God has been using us, because He has, but I don’t know if this is where He wants us for the rest of our time on this trip.
Please pray for clarity for us. I know we’re definitely trying to figure out what God is doing, and what He wants us to do. I hope things pick up here, in my spirit I feel like there should be a lot more happening with our team. I’m no longer comfortable with sitting around! So, yeah, that’s where I’m at right now.
Jon
Hey Jon. As I read this blog, I couldn’t help but relate your feelings back to a few months ago, this summer when I was in that same position. We had this same feeling of anxiety (I’m not really sure if that is the correct adjective) but it soon turned into a feeling of helplessness. It felt like the more we tried to do and the more we reached out, the less the Swazi’s were accepting our help.
One afternoon, one of the missionaries told us that he wished to combine some American ways with Swazi ways, you know just to get the ball rolling because it seems the Swazis have a hard time starting up anything or moving past things that once worked but now are not effective. As we talked and debated about this aspect of combining the two ways, we decided that this probably wasn’t a good idea because we would end up with a stressed out lazy person. 😉
After our talk that day, I realized that it wasn’t anything I was going to do that would change the lives of these Swazis. It is such a privilege to be used by God and I was trying to be in the drivers seat. I pray that you and your team will find direction and don’t be afraid to step out on faith – whether it be in the same area of the beautiful country you are in now or a new one. God bless!
Do what you can with what’s in your hand, allow God to do the rest.
This testing could also be a way for God to slow you down and be fully present with where you are, or not – think about it though.
Hey bud, the more and more I read your blog, the more I come to realize that you have starting reaching the really difficult issues of life. Things like, How much is enough? Can I make a real difference here? Or maybe even, where is God in all of this? You’ve seen both sides of the coin, life here in a country that is bursting with privilege, and you’ve also seen children who may not make it another week. And the fact is, there are no easy answers, and often no quick way to figuring them out. Yet, I think that you should also realize that at least you have made an attempt to take up Jesus’ greatest commandment, to love God with all your heart (which includes obedience and trust) and just as importantly-to love your neighbor as yourself, and thats more than most people can say. I know you would give up anything to help all of these people in an instant, but God just doesn’t let things happen that way. So all you can really do, is love wherever and whenever you are, to whoever is nearest you, and by doing so you are imitating Christ’s actions. God can and will make a difference through you, and he already has.
Your bro,
Dan