Death With An Angel…
Death… Some patiently await it. Others fight against it
with everything inside them. Some are scared of never again seeing the light of
day, while others long to go beyond darkness. Death…
My mind goes blank as the pain of a dying heart, dying
spirit lingers within me. The unexplainable feeling of drowning hits every
morning as a glimpse of light shines through the water above, bringing with it
the hope of taking another breath before eyes close and everything gets lost in
the darkness. Nights are filled with the exhausting possibility of redemptive
tomorrows. Days encompass navigating between the two without losing it.
Life… The indescribable attribute desired by everyone from
the first sign of breath in an infant, to the last bit of air seeping from the
lungs of the deceased on a hospital bed. Life…
I once knew the meaning of living. The unbelievable feeling
of joy every morning as the rays of sunlight peeked through the blinds to
awaken a glorious new day. Nights were filled with peace and dreams of the
possibilities held in awaited tomorrows. Days encompassed the simple act of
living between the two, enjoying the passing time.
Genesis 32 recounts the time Jacob thought it a good idea
to wrestle with an angel. They wrestled until daybreak, and when the angel
asked Jacob to let go of him, Jacob demanded a blessing. The angel finally
granted him this request, gave him the name Israel, and then left.
I am tired of dying. The feeling of falling, never knowing
if I will ever hit the ground, is overwhelming. Oh, to wrestle with God…
…Grant life Father, grant life…
you’re right…that was depressing :/
but i totally get you. it is by the grace of God he allows us to traverse all terrains, from one end of the world to the other, that we might see Him from all angles. it is by His grace that for awhile, we were allowed to know Him there, that we might know Him better here. and when you search your misty memory and remember how real it felt, know that it was real, realer than most things, and that you’re meant to chase that reality for the rest of your days. don’t chase the past; it will only leave you grasping at shadows. and read “a grief observed” PLEASE.