A Longing That Hurts!

A few months ago I wrote a blog about being homesick. Now, as I reflect on how I felt then, it comes nowhere close to how I feel now. I’ve come to the point where it would be easy to ask for a date change for my flight home. I continually count down the weeks until we leave for the airport. I came to realize the other day that before this trip I hadn’t ever been away from my family for more than 3 weeks! Some days it’s hard to do much except think about stepping off that plane and seeing all the familiar faces. The day I boarded the plane I knew there was no turning back, so I counted the costs and stared out the plane window as the life I knew faded before me.

Along this journey I’ve often thought of what it will be like to return home. Clarity never seems to come in this department, so fear sets in instead. The truth is I’m scared. The life I knew ended and I will never be the same. But, I’m also scared that I’ll eventually fall back into who I used to be. I honestly don’t know who I am now because life keeps changing, but the person I used to be seems far from appealing.

A thousand things race through my mind as I try to figure out what just happened over the last 6 months, but I feel like I’m sitting behind a desk trying to process through all these stacks of papers, and as I pick up a stack two more replace the one! If you asked me who God is, I wouldn’t have words to tell you, and the same goes for who I am, because I honestly don’t have a clue! 

So, I’m caught between a longing for home and a fear of returning to the place I used to call home. Only God knows what going back holds, and I have to rely on His Spirit to guide me there just as I did to come on this trip and throughout the journey. I guess I could define my fear as a lack of trust in Christ. If He’s brought me this far, and changed me along the road, why would He stop in Africa?!

During this trip I’ve written songs to help me process and express how I feel, so I guess I’ll post a few below that pertain to this whole thing.

                                              Goodbyes or Leaving Goodbyes Behind

Saying goodbye is never easy

The word makes me cringe

Fear of letting go burns inside

I’m scared of losing those who were always there for me

Tell me it’s not another goodbye

The tears haven’t dried from last time

I’m a ton more fond of Hello’s

All I think of is missing you

God, when will the torment end?

Our time together was too short lived

Awaiting the day that’s forever away

Fighting to stay focused in the midst of pain

Do I really trust You’ll save my day?

Fear of staying here grips me

So I hit the road and there’s no turning back

I hit the road with no regrets

I hit the road to become who I was made to be

Sitting in this room just trying to find

Where exactly should I be in life

I’ve been getting frustrated cause I haven’t got answers yet

So I decide to hit the room floor

Hoping that God will speak some more

In the midst of the silence I hear His voice again

For the longest time ever I feel this peace

Of knowing the direction He’s taking me

My expectations are growing for a life that’s greater than me

Training comes around and I get there late

God is moving in these awesome ways

I can’t wait any longer for this life

The plane is leaving in a little while

I’m waving goodbye, still trying to smile

Fighting between what’s ahead and what’s behind

I know God isn’t finished with me here. I know that He has so much more over the next 8 weeks. It’s hard to focus on that, it seems to be a struggle every day, but I get through it. I know that once I leave I’ll miss so many things and wish I was back here. I guess I’ll just have to live with the fact that I’ll always be missing someone or something somewhere in the world! Pray for me. Pray that I would finish strong, and that I wouldn’t take my eyes off of God and what He’s doing in and around me.

Jon