Death… Some patiently await it. Others fight against it
with everything inside them. Some are scared of never again seeing the light of
day, while others long to go beyond darkness. Death…
My mind goes blank as the pain of a dying heart, dying
spirit lingers within me. The unexplainable feeling of drowning hits every
morning as a glimpse of light shines through the water above, bringing with it
the hope of taking another breath before eyes close and everything gets lost in
the darkness. Nights are filled with the exhausting possibility of redemptive
tomorrows. Days encompass navigating between the two without losing it.
Life… The indescribable attribute desired by everyone from
the first sign of breath in an infant, to the last bit of air seeping from the
lungs of the deceased on a hospital bed. Life…
I once knew the meaning of living. The unbelievable feeling
of joy every morning as the rays of sunlight peeked through the blinds to
awaken a glorious new day. Nights were filled with peace and dreams of the
possibilities held in awaited tomorrows. Days encompassed the simple act of
living between the two, enjoying the passing time.
Genesis 32 recounts the time Jacob thought it a good idea
to wrestle with an angel. They wrestled until daybreak, and when the angel
asked Jacob to let go of him, Jacob demanded a blessing. The angel finally
granted him this request, gave him the name Israel, and then left.
I am tired of dying. The feeling of falling, never knowing
if I will ever hit the ground, is overwhelming. Oh, to wrestle with God…
Dream… When we were kids the question, “What do you want to
be when you grow up?” was followed up with answers that lacked impossibilities.
Anything from astronauts to policemen crossed our imaginations. When we were
kids no one ever told us what we couldn't be; sure there may have been a couple
laughs at the obscure professions that we mentioned, but the limitations of
life were never expressed. We were children… Children full of imagination and
creativity… Children filled with passions and dreams… Children full of life,
living without a notion to worry… Children ignorant of impossibilities… We were
children.
Dream… As we grew older, life's realities settled in. We
learned to walk the path of limitation. We accepted the word impossible. We
matured in the art of worry. We fell short of passions and dreams because they
were not realistic enough for the lives we were taught to lead. We forgot what
it was like to be a child.
Dream… We once knew a Father that was full of imagination
and creativity, passions and dreams. A Father who spoke a world into existence,
and then breathed life into dirt molded in His image.We knew a Father who created His children to
be free. Free to be like their Father. Free to dream.
Dream… The whisper of a Father crying out, “I set you free!
Free to pursue your passions and dreams. I created you with free will because
robots were not my desire; they would have been too simple for my imagination. I
love to see my children walk in their dreams. I created you to dream dreams
that would change the world, dreams that would go beyond your capacity to
fulfill. So, dream! Walk in those dreams. Make them count with passion for all
that they are worth. Dream!”
We were created to be children… Children full of imagination
and creativity… Children filled with passions and dreams… Children full of
life, living without a notion to worry… Children ignorant of impossibilities…
Children of a Father who lives outside the realm of possibilities… We were
created to be children.
Emotions are the one thing that I understand the least about myself, and therefore the thing that frustrates me the most. I find myself longing for someone, which in fact is a true longing for community.
I don't really understand what it means or looks like to be a man of God at 19 in a culture that speaks of dating and love as if they were equivalent to drinking water. The one thing I do know is that the character of a man of God does not change with a change in place or circumstance. His values should follow him throughout.
Today, as I've pondered the issue of dating in our culture, I've come to understand and see more than a simple desire for companionship and love. I see a world full of spiritually fatherless and brotherless women. I understand that the way women have learned to find "trust and security" in men is through the idea of courtship. An idea that has brought hurt to so many because haven't been there as Fathers and Brothers in Christ to protect their hearts.
As I look around me, I find few young guys my age who are willing to step up to the plate and take a shot at being the men God has called us to be. Flirting seems far more appealing!
So, my question is, where are the men of God?!?! Who will stand to protect and value the women that one day will the the Mothers of our children? Who will Father this Fatherless world?
I don't condemn dating. I just know that too many people have been hurt by the lack of true love, security, and respect that we've lost along the way. The Mothers, Sisters, and Daughters of our world are all Daughters of the King, so we better start acting as such!
It's 12:51 a.m. Everyone else went to
bed at least an hour ago. As I sit here on my bed, the only thought
that keeps me from shutting my eyes and falling asleep is one of The
Church.
I'm taken back to Africa. I think about
my lifetime of missions and all the relationships that have come from
it. I remember all the struggles for control and the disputes over
who's right or wrong that I've gotten to experience. I eventually end
up back where I started, the Church. Most days I feel like the parent
telling his children to just stop bickering!
The Church. We've allowed ourselves to
become so wrapped up with who's right and wrong, that we've forgotten
that Jesus commanded us to LOVE ONE ANOTHER! We've gotten so caught
up in the political, so focused on control, that we've forgotten that
we are one body, THE BRIDE OF CHRIST! But most of all, we've opened
the door to a spirit of religion so great, that we've forgotten to
SEE THE GREATNESS IN EACH OTHER!
Christ died for one Church. A Church of
Love, not pride. A Church in Unity, not power-thirsty. A Church of
Great Sons and Daughters of the King, not religious illegitimate
children.
We are the Church. So, let us not
forget any longer.
"Wake up! Wake up!" That seems to
be the only thing I can think about as the days go by. It seems as
though I'm waiting for reality to finally hit, and as it does, I hate
it all the more. I had 8 months of people telling me to let go of my
expectations, only to fly home filled with them and watch them fall.
I've begun to step into a place that no
longer feels like home. But, then again, no place feels like home
anymore. I feel like my sense of belonging has been stripped from me.
I wake up every morning wondering what's next. For once I wish I
could just be. I wish I could stand in one place and not have to
worry about holding onto the past, walking in the present, or
stepping into the future.
I miss the people that became family
over the last 8 months. The people that walked the journey with me.
The people I laughed and shed tears with. I miss the people who were
willing to call things for what they were. The people who were all
in. The people who daily counted the cost! I miss the people who
lived life with me no matter how hard it was, and who didn't back
down from the calling God had on their lives. I miss Bryan, Lila,
Jess, and Katie. I miss all those Novas people that I had the
privilege of being with in Mexico. I miss all those leaders that were
there to guide us without spoon feeding us. I miss authenticity. I
miss community!
To all of those reading this that live
around me, I'm not judging you guys, or saying that you don't hold
these qualities. This is just where I'm at, so I ask you to
understand me in this. Most people ask me how I feel, and the answer
"Okay, bittersweet I guess." is usually what comes out. The truth
is, is that it's hard to stay in a place you want to run away from,
and actually believe that God has you there for a purpose. So, that's
me at the moment. No one ever told me re-entry would be easy. I
guess, for once, I just NEVER EXPECTED to feel the way I do. To feel
so broken and dependent.
I guess, in the end, all these things
are just another step in the walk; another step towards heaven, the only place that's become home for some of us.
The saying "all good things must come to an end" rings in my ears as the clock works against me and the emotions of leaving rage within me. If there were anything I could cut out of life, it would definitely be the goodbyes! As we've started to say goodbyes, everyone tells us that the day we come is great; the day we leave is the worst. I remember when we first got here one of our ministry partners told me that the men here only cry when someone dies, and when the teams leave.
I don't want to sound redundant about how I'm going to miss this place and these people or how this place has become like home to me, but it has, and it's all I can seem to think about as tomorrow I have to say goodbye to all those that are now family.
If only I could scream "freeze!" and everything would stop. If for one second I could know what it means to live outside of time and not have to think about the present or worry about the future. I guess I'm wishing for eternity in heaven, the land of "hellos" and no more "goodbyes."
I guess when it's all said and done, it's time to say goodbye, knowing that this day had to come. The only good thing about a goodbye is that on the other side of the world someone awaits us with open arms and a hello! And, again quote my sister JB in saying, "You'll always miss someone somewhere around the world!"
This will be my last blog in Africa. I hate the thought of that because I've loved writing these every week! I hope you guys have enjoyed reading them as much as I have enjoyed writing them. I might keep blogging occasionally throughout my time of transition, and I'm sure I'll have plenty of adventures this summer.
As God brings closure to this experience, and I look forward to what He has for the future, I want to end my last blog in Africa with a section from a letter our leader Tag gave us before we left Mexico.
"There is a lot wrong with the world, why don't you do something about it". If you listen to those words you will not be confused about the future for long. When you ask Him what His will for your future is I doubt you will get the response you want. I am unsure if He really cares if you are in Africa or Boston. And I don't think it matters if you are in ministry or not. Chili's or Harvard, whatever. "There is a lot wrong in the world, why don't you do something about it".
I jumped into the SUV to go pick up some guys that were working at one of the Care Points. After driving down a windy road for about 5 minutes, I arrived only to find out that they had already left. I turned around and headed back. On my way back I got to the last curve and decided to slow down because it was considerably sharp and slanted. As I was coming out of the curve I started to accelerate, and the car began to fishtail. I turned the steering wheel in the opposite direction to try and straighten it out, but instead the back swung to the other side and the vehicle shot straight off the road. I held the steering wheel and turned it towards my right to try again and straighten out, and the only other thing I could think to do was hit the brake. I stepped on it, the front tires locked up, and the car did a 180. I came to an immediate stop right before the car flipped and landed on its left side. I sat there frozen, hanging in my seat belt for a few seconds before I decided to look at all the windows to check the damage. From what I could see nothing was broken except the passenger side rear view mirror (Note that here you drive on the left side of the road, so the driver is on the right side of the car).
I called Pastor Gift, our host, and he told me to not worry and just sit tight. He and a couple other guys arrived a couple minutes later and made sure I wasn't hurt. He told me to unbuckle and stand on the passenger side door and then they opened my door and I climbed out. We proceeded to try and flip the car back, but it's a V8 SUV, so that wasn't going to happen! One of the guys decided to drive back to the base to get some rope and more man power. When they got back we tied the rope to bottom of the SUV and the guy's car and he began to slowly pull as we pushed the other side. The rope snapped before the truck even came off the ground, so I jumped in the car and went back to get some 2in. webbing I had bought for a slack line. This time I tied the rope to a couple carabineers I had and hooked it up to both vehicles. We successfully flipped the vehicle back to its normal state, and looked at the damage. Except for the broken mirror, some dents from rocks, a few cracks in the side fenders, and a little bit of oil that had leaked because of the position of the car, nothing else was damaged.
I walked around the car and prayed silently as they proceeded to take off the right front wheel that had gone flat. I stayed there for about another 1 and a half as Pastor Gift, and his friend who was driving the other car, took the tire to get it fixed. While sitting beside that SUV with some of my Swazi brothers I didn't really know what to say or think about what had just happened. A "Thank You" To God was about all that would come out. I began to think of what would have happened if I had picked up those guys and they had been in the car when it all happened. Most likely a couple of them would have been sitting on that side, and a lot of times they don't wear seat belts. I thanked God that the car didn't keep rolling, that it just came to a complete stop before flipping. I just sat there and replayed what happened over and over in my mind.
Pastor Gift eventually got back with the tire; we put it back on, checked the engine to make sure everything was fine, and headed back to the base. On our way back he told me that these things happen and it wasn't a big deal. He said he was just happy that I was alive and not hurt. And, then he told me that cars are machines, tools of work, but I am the image of God, cars can be replaced, but people never can! If I needed any truth spoken to me in that moment it definitely came! In those words I heard an "I Love You!" from God.
In my last blog I thanked you guys for your support and prayers throughout these 8 months. I said that I really didn't know what you had prayed or when you had, but that I was sure that your prayers hadn't gone unanswered. Well, I'm sure my parents haven't been the only ones praying for my safety, so to all who have, thank you! I told you your prayers hadn't gone unanswered!!! Ha-ha, God is Awesome!
Thank You God for Your Sovereign judgment and Hand of Protection over our lives. Thank You for Your love. Thank You for hearing our cries for our brothers and sisters no matter where they are. Thank You for Your grace over our lives, it's the only reason I'm alive right now! Thank You Father!!!
Here is a blog my teammate Katie wrote.
We are all really looking forward to this event and would be so blessed
by any support you could give us!
To close out our time in here in Nsoko, we
want to have a big event, an anti HIV/AIDS campaign tentatively on May 1st. The
theme will be "Protect me from HIV, Ngilikusasa" (or I am the future). It will
be an event mainly for children, similar to old elementary school style field
days, with Swazi flair. There will be races and games for the kids. A puppet
show and drama will prepared in advance to teach the kids about the ways they
can avoid HIV/AIDS and how to protect themselves. We are hoping to have four
different care points coming together to take part in the event, about 400 kids
in all. We are also hoping to buy a cow for the community and have a feast that
night.
Unfortunately this all requires money. All of
us on the team are asking our sponsors, friends and families for a little bit
more to be able to host this event. We need to raise about $500 (that's US
dollars) to pull this off. The money will go to transporting the kids to and
from the center, food, and other supplies. I know some of you told me that you
didn't have money to give to me before I left but that if needs came up along
the way to let you know...well I'm letting you know.
This leaves each me individually to raise
about $100. Because this needs to happen fast (the event is less than a month
away!) we are choosing not to fundraise through AIM and therefore nothing that
you give will be tax deductible, sorry! If you want to help, please either give
my parents money (at church or if you see them sometime) or mail a check (made
out to either me or my parents) to my home address -
230 Antlers Trail
Leander, TX 78641
Even $5 will help tremendously. If you are in
Texas Wesley, contact Sarah Jenkins. She has agreed to collect money for me
there and will then mail a check to my parents on April 23rd.
Pondering the
fact that in 3 weeks from today we'll be boarding a plane heading for the
different world we used to be a part of isn't easy. The past 7 months have been
full of adventure, surrender and brokenness, transformation, hardship,
misunderstandings, bitterness and forgiveness. They have been full of mountain
tops and valleys. They have been full of times where God broke out of the box
and became more real than ever before. And, undoubtedly, they have been the
best 7 months of my life so far.
The thought of
leaving brings me to think about the difference we've made while being here. As
I've always said, this trip hasn't really ever been about Mexico or Africa, but
about what God was doing in us. But, in that process, and through His grace,
He's used us to breathe life into a people that live under the slow killing
epidemic of oppression. We've seen His hand of healing, provision, love, grace,
and victory over darkness. We've encountered Jesus in the oppressed and the
oppressor, for no one is beyond Christ's mighty hand of redemption. He's used
us to wipe tears from beautiful faces, and speak truth into broken hearts. He's
used us to awaken dormant dreams, and bring hope to the perishing. He's used us
to teach kids what affection and love is by just playing with them. And in all
of this, we received healing from our pasts, we had truth spoken over us, and
our hopes and dreams were set ablaze within us.
I love
traveling, and I find airports amusing. Packing is definitely one of the best
parts of traveling because you know you're getting ready to leave. As I pack
this time, the only things I care to take home are the memories of what God did
in this place. Most of my clothes and things will stay, and if some people
could fit in my pack, I would leave everything just to bring them. More than
leaving physical things, I know a piece of me will always remain here waiting
for my return.
As we leave
people, places, and things behind, we also leave the unchangeable mark of the
God the world silently cries out for. As we leave, we take with us an
experience that God used to forever change our lives. As we leave, we bring closure
to the Novas Project, a program that God specifically ordained for those who
got to live the experience.
I want to thank
Tag Thompson for pursuing the calling God had on his life for this program, as
well as all our leaders who stood beside us and ministered to us as God moved
amongst us. I also want to thank all those who supported us in any way, and all
of those who prayed for us over these last 7 months. I don't know really what
you specifically prayed or when you did, but I can guarantee you that your
prayers were answered in one way or another. So, thank you!
As we get ready
to leave, we bring closure to a season in our lives, and walk into the
mysterious purpose God has for the next one.
When looking back on this time in Africa, I don't really know what to think or say about it. Our team has often talked about what it will be like to go back home. We've often talked about the things, people, and places we miss. Lately, I've not really been homesick for people or places, but I have started to think about the comforts of home. Like the luxuries of sleeping in a bed with sheets and a comforter, having air-condition wherever you go, eating a hot dog or a Krispy Kream doughnut, etc... But, the things I'll miss about Africa aren't the comforts, even though we could have had a lot worse living conditions. The things from here that I'll miss are the things that we feel like we never have time to stop and gaze upon back home. Like, laying on the container outside at night and staring up to see the whole Milky Way, Orion, the scorpion, the 7 Sisters, and the Southern Cross in all their glory! Like watching the clouds roll over the mountains like waves crashing on the sand as the sun sets. Like standing outside in the rain as lighting flashes through the sky and the wind almost knocks you over. Like hiking the mountain and being able to hear baboons in the distance as we look towards South Africa and the River that divides the mountains of the two countries. Like watching Bryan kill spitting cobras with a spear! (Don't have too many of those in my back yard back home!) Those are the comforts of His grace. Those are the things I'll miss.
As for people, I definitely miss those back home. The other day a friend of ours asked me if I could keep doing this. I told him that at the end of this I'll have been gone from home for almost 8 months. He then asked me that if I would keep doing it if I could see my family once a month. I wasn't sure how to answer that one. So, I said yes, but eventually I'd want to become a doctor, so I'd have to leave for that. I do miss people from home, but the past couple days thinking about leaving here has really worn on me. This place has become my home, my family, and I know that there will be many tears shed knowing that there is the possibility that I'll never see my brothers and sisters here again. I'm going to miss the kids that just want you to hold them. I'm going to miss the smiles of all these loved ones that have nothing. I'm going to miss playing soccer 3 days a week and laughing with the guys as they mess around on the pitch. I'm going to miss their laughs. I'm going to miss the heartfelt community that we live out with them every day. I'm going to miss goofing off with them, and just simply hanging out. I don't think there's ever been a dry moment with them. I just can't put in to words what it's going to be like to have to say goodbye to all those who have become my family, and there really aren't words to help you understand how I'll miss them.
Every time I post another blog I get a week closer to leaving. Thinking about leaving is definitely bittersweet, and I can't really describe what I feel inside. All I know is I'm trying to spend my time here taking advantage of every moment. It's crazy how time flies by, and pretty soon this will be all over, but then again, maybe it's all just begun!
I'll soon be home, and EVERYONE will want to know how my trip was. I really don't have an answer to that question, I might never have one. Wrapping up 8 months of your life in a couple sentences is not something I can do or care to pretend to be able to do. God rocked my box, I have new family members, and I can't wait to see where this adventure in Him takes me. I guess that pretty much sums it up!
